How I Learned to Love Networking

Engaging is Scary

The idea of going to a bar alone terrifies me. I think about myself too much. How do I smell? What do others see when they see me? On and on my thoughts race and I become anxious and that anxiety increases as it psychosomatically seeps out of my pores. I know my inner life is not visibly manifested, I just don’t believe it so. It’s like meeting scary dog in an alley; as an adult I know it doesn’t know, but I got raised with the cliché that dogs can smell fear. Even now, what does the smell of fear really mean to a dog? What does it mean that I look awkward and uncomfortable standing there? When was the last time you ever noticed someone alone? And then paid enough attention to think of them in the negative?

My wife and I went to Nantucket for our 10th anniversary. We went to the Nautilus, a sea-themed bistro, with exquisite food and delicious drinks on a balmy July evening. Reservations were months in advance and eating at the bar required a two-hour wait. The room had noise, fragrance, and life and was exactly what we came for. We came to party. Pre-COVID, sweat, smells, and other fluids didn’t matter.

And just like that Amber disappeared and I was alone in a loud crowded bar. I ordered something fancy and complicated off the drink menu. Beside me I heard “vodka martini.”

I turned to the guy, also alone as far as I could tell and said “Good choice, that’s my regular drink.”

“You know this place has all these fancy options and sure they’re good, they’re famous for it in fact, but classics never go out of style.” He said.

From there Peter, a former Google exec, and I gabbed about the island, trends online, hipsters, New York restaurants and how to raise kids in an online age. My wife and I sat next to him at the bar as we ate and we talked at length about Florida, marketing and taxes. We exchanged details and I talked to him on and off for the next year or so. We talked because I had a mission to get my startup out there in front of people and it gave us something to do together to continue that engagement.

Networking Pros and Cons

Pros: You Make Friends

Networking isn’t just talking about your startup. It’s about making a connection and sharing a goal, maybe not the same goal, but one which benefits each of you in its own way. It’s a conversation topic not related to god, politics, or culture. Avoiding these landmines makes it super easy to make connections. With Peter, my one regret was that it was mostly one-way and the topic wasn’t immediately more interesting to him. He had a lot more to offer me than I to him. Over our year of development, our four or five conversations tapered off from high enthusiasm to a chore. As the Shark Tank saying goes ‘sales solves everything.’ I think if, Spotfit had sales — a clear indicator of growth and potential — then maybe he and I would still be talking and working and being friends.

In an alternate universe where my partners, Aman and Alberto, and I did not get together to try and build an IoT fitness startup, I wonder if we would have made enough memories and laid enough groundwork to be lifelong friends. I was at lunch at a client office and talking about bars the cohort at the table used to go to in Toronto — Joker, Circa, The Phoenix, Crocodile Rock — and the conversation turned to when the last time any of us had been out at a bar. As an IBM consultant, I didn’t know all the relationships, roles, or people at the table, but I had just completed my MBA at Rotman, and yes I still went out pretty regularly because of that. The executive asking — also a Rotman alum — smiled knowingly and said that will drop off too. Without the side business, he was absolutely right. It would have dropped off and gone away. It was our raison d’être.

Networking is building relationships. Relationships come from contact and communication. At IBM, I led calls with sometimes a hundred attendees, but I have a relationship with fewer than ten. Professional relationship ends when mutual business interests diverge. We need not agree on anything inside or outside the business, but we do need to work on the same problem (hopefully from different perspectives). I made two lifelong personal relationships from the startup with my partners and met hundreds of people along the way. Even the least of those interactions were worth the price of admission.

Cons: Sometimes You Feel Like a Fraud

I once had the false belief that networking was one of those things a huckster does well. Having an unrealistic aspiration with no means of executing was in my view not something to brag about. In the short run, I have realized, everyone starts with a dream and an undefined understanding of the scope. If it were anything else, then the world would be one of solitary geniuses only exchanging perfect finished products. In reality, we need each other to move forward. There is an earnest way of being when networking and an exploitative one. I have met many hucksters; I realize now, they were never networking. We need to talk to people, learn their story and see how together we can make something more for us all.

A personal challenge I found was overcoming the inner critic telling me that no one cares about my idea. Fact is if I’m passionate, engaging, and interesting then the topic doesn’t matter, be it a fitness startup or what is the best way to care for the lawn. Conversations pivot just as businesses and I have learned that being earnest carries more weight than being awesome.

My Rules for Networking

I have a few rules in my social toolkit I keep in mind when networking. These rules apply to social and personal relationships as much as professional ones. I find snap judgments and listening something I need to work on most, but I try to be mindful of all of them.

1. Don’t judge. Listen. You really have no idea how far along a path another person has gone.
2. Ask questions and engage. After listening if it sparks an idea or a thought ask about it, maybe it is related, maybe it would help the other person, maybe it’s far out there and the best worst-idea ever.
3. Reach out and ask or offer. You never know who is looking for something to sink their teeth into and who is barely treading water. You might be able to help or get the help you need.
4. Be as prepared as you can be. This can take time and preparation when networking about your business. Know your stuff lest you talk to someone who knows your stuff better than you.
5. Be honest. All the time in life. It’s good for you.